Hurt
by adagio11
Summary: He remembered it all and it hurt. [TATE angst][post Twilight][songfic]


**Hurt**

**Summary: **Another post Twilight fic based on Christina Aguilera's song "Hurt"

**Pairing: **Kate and Tony of course. Although, it's angst.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own NCIS. Too bad. If I owned it…ohhh. God knows what I would do with the show. I don't own "Hurt" either.

**A/N: **Couldn't help myself when I heard Christina Aguilera's song "Hurt". The lyrics fit to well.

_Seems like it was yesterday_

_When I saw your face_

_You told me how proud you were,_

_But I walked away_

_If only I knew what I know today_

_Ooh, ooh_

Tony DiNozzo hadn't known what to do. For the first time in his life he was motionless. That night, he sat on his couch, not remembering how he got there in the first place. _She was gone. _The images kept coming back to him, from the day before. He had been back from his sick leave, even if the cough was still bothering him, there were no trace of the pneumonic plague. When he had entered the bullpen he was his old joking self again. He'd hide and then jumped forward, hoping to scare Kate. But she was on the phone and barely noticed him. Soon she hung up and briefed the team about the case. As they all made their way out of the bullpen she'd smiled at him. Tony remembered her smile, so clearly. If he'd only known what was going to happen…If he only knew.

_I would hold you in my arms_

_I would take the pain away_

_Thank you for all you've done_

_Forgive all your mistakes_

_There's nothing I wouldn't do_

_To hear your voice again_

_Sometimes I wanna call you_

_But I know you won't be there_

But he hadn't known. He hadn't known that Ari was up on that roof, waiting for them. He hadn't known that Kate was going to jump in front of that bullet. But she did. Tony was convinced he'd lost her. With horror he walked over to her and turned her around. Unzipping her jacket he saw to his relief that it had hit her vest. She was going to be okay. Slowly, she'd opened her eyes.

"Ouch" Tony couldn't help but smile. She was okay. She winced with pain as they helped her up on her feet. Then things got a little bit blurry. Tony buried his face in his hands, where he sat on his couch. If he'd only known. Next thing he knew, Kate was lying on the ground, blood pouring out of her head. This time he was sure, she was gone. He'd lost her. In the matter of a second, she was gone. Tony slammed his fist to his coffee table. If he'd only known. He _shoulde have _known. He would've been able to change so many things. He remembered all those time he'd cracked immature jokes only to get a death glare back. But now he knew why he'd done it. He'd wanted her attention. He'd wanted to hear her voice crack a sarcastic comment back. Tony felt tears burn behind his eyes. _She was gone. _So many times before, he'd taken her for granted. Taken for granted that she was at work when arrived, taken for granted that if he called she would pick up. All that was gone to. He would never ever be able to talk to her.

_Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself by hurting you_

When Tony went to bed that night he kept going through all those things he could've done to save her. Even if this had been inevitable, he could have told her. The truth. But Tony DiNozzo never told her the truth. And now, it was to late. She would never find out. Find out how much he cared for her. How much he actually loved her. Panic crept in as he slid down under his sheets. She was really gone! Gone! It hit him like a speeding train. She would never find out. It hurt to realize it.

_Some days I feel broke inside_

_But I won't admit_

_Sometimes I just wanna hide_

_'Cause it's you I miss_

_And it's so hard to say goodbye_

_When it comes to this, ooh_

But life goes on. That's what she'd always told him. As a federal agent, you had to be aware of that no matter what happened, life goes on. It had been a month since she died. At work, he'd tried to now show off how much it hurt to not see her in the desk across from his, how much it hurt when he met her replacement. Some days were harder than others. Tony could feel Ziva watch him from Kate's desk – yeah it was still Kate's desk. But he ignored her. He just wanted to storm out and just yell at people to not look at him like that. Because that's what they did. For a whole month, other agents had shot him glances, wondering why Tony DiNozzo, the immature playboy, took it so much harder then everybody else. Tony ignored them over and over again. He just wanted to run away, get away from all this. Her funeral had been almost unbearable. Knowing that she lay in that coffin, lifeless. All life poured out of her that day on the roof. Tony didn't take long to put his rose on her coffin. It hurt to much. It hurt to know that this was it. That she wasn't coming back.

_Would you tell me I was wrong?_

_Would you help understand?_

_Are you looking down upon me?_

_Are you proud of who I am?_

The weeks after her funeral were slow. Tony kept doing his job, sometimes he even showed off his famous megawatt smile. But it never reached his eyes. Like it had done when he fired it at Kate. Tony knew that the team noticed that he wasn't himself. He'd grown up. He still made movie references, he still cracked inappropriate jokes, but the tone was different. Everything was different. They managed to track down Ari, and they killed him. He'd found his place down in the morgue. Tony kept blaming himself for not finding Ari earlier. Then Kate would be the one, not Ziva, who was sitting in the desk across from his. Tony hoped that in someway, Kate knew Ari was dead. Another three weeks later Tony sat home, alone on his couch just like he used to do at night. He didn't go out so often anymore. He hadn't been on a date since…he had the plague. He let out a small laugh, this was what Kate had always told him. That he was loosing his touch.

_There's nothing I wouldn't do_

_To have just one more chance_

_To look into your eyes_

_And see you looking back_

And as Kate had said, life went on. They got more cases, solved them and started to investigate another one. But still, Tony couldn't shove away the images that kept coming back to him. Images of Kate, lying on that roof. They just wouldn't leave him alone. Regret still crept in sometimes. He could've done sooo much different. He also felt helpless. He could do nothing to bring her back. So badly, he just wanted to talk to her on last time. To look at her and actually tell her the truth. And she should look back at him and smile her beautiful smile. Telling him that she already knew the truth, and that she felt the same.

_Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself, oh_

It was one year since she died. One year of regret, longing, painful memories and attempts to get over it. But Tony knew better. He would never get over it. It hurt to much to even try.

_If I had just one more day_

_I would tell you how much that I've missed you_

_Since you've been away_

_Ooh, it's dangerous_

_It's so out of line_

_To try and turn back time_

One year became two. Ziva was still working with them and reluctantly Tony found himself getting along with her pretty well. But Kate was still on his mind. He visited her grave at least once a week. No one knew that. But he just needed to…talk to her. To tell her how missed she was. Every time he woke up, he wished it had all been a terrible nightmare. That one of the gravestones on that cemetery wasn't hers. The she was still alive, sitting in her desk, smirking at him. Tony wished he could turn back time. To that painful day when Ari decided to take her away from them. To that day when Tony wasn't able to protect her. He'd done it so many times before but that day, he just couldn't.

_I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself.._

_By hurting you_

Sometimes he just wanted to scream out to Kate how fcking much he missed her. And how much he wished that he could've taken Ari's bullet for her. But it wasn't her fault. No, he couldn't blame her. He could only blame himself. One of his fears had come true. Kate had been hurt, so badly, because he hadn't been able to save her. The only person to blame was himself. How many times he even tried to not think about her, how many times he wanted to forget, he didn't. It hurt to much.


End file.
